One, two, three, four, five, six…..one-hundred-thirty-nine, one-hundred-forty, one-hundred-forty-one, wait a second, were there two jumping across together just a second ago?! F***ing sheep!! I would really like to know, who was the brainiac, that came up with the counting sheep technique!?! I doubt that it worked for him cause it sure never worked for me. Maybe I give up to fast, and you shouldn’t quite before the one-thousand sheep jumps over the fence, but come on, really? How could I put this? The method is stupid as hell. After I concluded that a sheep’s place is in a barn and not in the bed, I moved on to more logic techniques.
Got up and grabbed a warm glass of milk and the new issue of Cosmopolitan magazine. This should do the trick. There is nothing more annoying then the articles that get published in that magazine. A lot of crap like: 1. the dating rule everyone must know; 2. what’s he secretly thinking on your first date; 3. how to get revenge; 4. the one text you should never send him; 5. how to transform your body; 6. these jeans may change your life; 7. what is the secret to a comfy home; 8. find out is he the one; 9. are you a good friend; and so on… I still can’t believe the various subjects those people can make into an article. And every time they treat it like it’s some kind of a huge revelation, and what they basically do is make up new and insane breakthrough discovery for an issue that is clear as day. First of all there are no dating rules, even Cervantes, a couple of centuries ago, knew that all is fair in love and war. Second, as far as I know, there wasn’t any talk about a new thought detector invention lately, how the hell should I know what the guy is thinking on the first date? Third, revenge is easy, just slash the tires on his car and spread a rumor with STD in it. Four, they say there is only one text that you should never send to a guy. Only one? I don’t think so! From my personal experience, there are dozens of different guy unfriendly messages. I should know, tried out half of them, each time with the man-over-board effect promised. Five, a new body? That’s easy, just seal that mouth and get that ass moving. Six, a pair of jeans that might change my life? Seriously?!? I am all for the fashion does wonders saying, but I still can’t see how a single act of me sticking my big ass in a pair pants, excuse me, jeans, could change my life?! Seven, the secret to a comfy home is in the combination of an amazing decorator and a good cleaning lady. Eight, the quizzes that promise the knowledge of compatibility with your partner based on type of cereal you share and boxers or briefs he wears….need I say more? Under nine, I would say that you’re a pretty good friend if you don’t need a BFF reality type of show every two years. Ten, oh, wait a second, I haven’t listed a ten. Thank god, cause this could last on forever. Trying to prove a point preoccupied me so much that I almost strayed off the subject. As you can see, milk and Cosmo only made my mind run wild, actually that was the effect of the magazine alone. The milk just gave me a bad case of cramps.
I was running out of options. Meditation was next on my list. Let me correct myself, more of a visualization exercise than meditation. Visualize something calming, hmmm….ok, I’ve got it. Drinking a cup of café au lait on a terrace of a chic little restaurant at Saint Germain des Pres square in Paris, watching the pretty Parisian ladies and handsome gentleman pass by, soaking in the beauty of the historic architecture, amazing art décor is covering the vintage looking buildings, Chanel sign, cute little pots of blooming flowers flood over the old wooden windows, such a STOP!!! Rewind, Chanel sign?!? F*** the coffee and relaxing, I feel a new pair of flats in my closet! Shit, double shit, it’s only a visualization. But still, maybe I can visualize a nice Chanel bag? No. I should better get up and check the new collection online…
And that’s how I ended up here. :)